I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
high people should be assigned attendants
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
