i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
