i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
