So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
