Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
