So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
