Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
