My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just gift wrapped bread.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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