I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so let's talk penis.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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