I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
