I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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