my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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