i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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