puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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