Don't you send me to vm
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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