i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
