Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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