Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
