my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
