At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
