saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
