woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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