1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Operation Purity has been aborted
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
