so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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