I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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