If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
