Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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