I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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