I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
