he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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