My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
