so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
only you would photoshop your dick
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
