it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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