i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
