So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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