The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
