Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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