weddingsv make me drug and hornr
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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