All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
