gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
