Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize