I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
