Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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