Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize