He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
