My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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