i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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