you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
