I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize