we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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