I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
