I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
