This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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