I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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