Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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