Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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