I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
