im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
