I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
