Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
