I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
