Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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