The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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