I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
