mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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