When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
