Umm I'm too high to move.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
