Where did you get a picture of my penis
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize