I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
