I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
