my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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