so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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